The out-pour of love and sweet stories since my first blog has been amazing! Thank you all for reading, for caring and for sharing! I want to get a little more real with my raw take on a very messy moment in Motherhood today, that moment when you know you are about to word vomit all over your messy, disrespectful, pretending to be def, children. (If you don't have a child who has played at least one of the cards above -well aren't you special. But for my house of minions at least 1 of 3 pulls a card from that deck daily). As moms we have the power to unite or divide our children with a few uttered words. There are so many cliche' phrases out there for handling stressful or the uninvited ugly in our lives. "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade", "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar", "God never gives us more than we can handle" (while that one holds truth it is an overused cliche'- I will dive into that more later), "When God closes a door He opens a window", "When the skies open up, dance in the rain"... and the list could go on for half of this page. But my chewy-bit for today is "What if you are just too darn tired to put your dancing shoes on?" What if you have a paper-cut and the making lemonade part just puts a pit in your stomach because you know it is going to sting! What if the vinegar in your life used to be a fine drinking wine that just soured from years of putting everyone else's needs before your own? Because friends, a relationship with Jesus is a NEED not a desire.
Yesterday I turned 30, and in an attempt to do some self reflection I think this lesson is the best one I have picked up along the way. There is no cliche' or pep talk that really gets you through the rough parts of life. If there was I would not only be taking it, but I would own stock! We can get so caught up in easy fixes and bandaids sometimes that we miss the purpose of the benefit of the struggle. There is a very "rough" period of motherhood; those moments between forty minutes in line at pick-up, third snack, and fifth poopy diaper change, when one child is screaming for homework help and you are removing the vacuum cleaner chord from your youngest child's mouth before he hurts himself, when the water on the stove boils over and no one else is there to help you juggle because your husband called to say he will late and you should just get them to bed without him. In those moments "just make lemonade" doesn't fly. Sure you could slap on a fake smile and push through the night bubbling with frustration under the surface, not really being your best self. You would survive and so would the kids. But what is the bigger picture? God doesn't make mistakes.... so this night was somehow choreographed for a purpose. It sucks, but, what can we learn? When all else fails and everyone is hungry/upset/tired/and semi-suicidal... you can still do it! This is a place where your resolve will be tested and Satan is going to try and get you to lose your temper and shout because you are tired and think someone needs to pull the plug on the day. Don't let Him win! I am far from perfect at this, but when I step back for 30 seconds and refocus I can usually come up with a better way to handle the massive simultaneous meltdowns. My solution usually involves closing the homework books, grabbing stools, blasting Pandora, and getting my kids involved in the meal making. Find something that works for your family. Take a walk outside. Have your kids each grab a sheet of paper and crumple it up screaming as loud as you can for 10 seconds, then toss the paper out and the "bad emotions" with it. Have a family dance party playlist and karaoke in the kitchen for a few minutes. Even my angriest child can't resist the pull of a Mom who is dancing like a giraffe in heels while singing into a spoon! I will say it again, do not let Satan win. See his meddling for what it is, trying to kick you when your guard is down. Use that moment to make a choice to unite your family and not divide it. To wrangle the emotions of your children and lift them up vs scattering them.
I am not saying you can get rid of the ugly. That some how using any of my above tools and hacks will make your afternoon's less stressful, your children more obedient or quiet, and your husband happier. Nope I absolutely can not go there, because I am keeping it real and raw. I can say that each time you find a way to connect with your children in a positive way that you are building an investment in your legacy with them. Long after they have left home, those ripping up frustrations and singing in to spoons moments are the ones they will cling to. You are also, in turn, modeling for them how to handle stress in a much better way. In a recent article by Focus on the Family Rob Jackson said this "One of the most overlooked aspects of parenting is that children learn more from what we do than from our words. Even before the culture and its legion of challenges reach our children, the culture of our home is apparent. It has been said that "children learn what they live." They LEARN what they LIVE! Do you see how powerful that is? I tend to parent the way I was parented, and while I love and adore my parents, what worked for me doesn't always work for my kids. In fact, what works for my daughter rarely works for my son. Our journey with ADHD led us to a behavioral psychologist who gave us some very sound advice on parenting styles. She said, "No matter what style of parent you are or how you discipline there are 5 basic rules every household should have. When these rules are posted where everyone can see, and everyone is expected to follow them then your children begin to see their behavior as a choice to follow the rules like everyone else or break them, instead of you as the parent having to play police officer all day dishing out warnings. So our 5 rules are:
Refocusing this post for a second, this is not a post about discipline, that is a topic deeper and wider than I care to dive into at the moment. Besides we just met, I am new at this, and you probably have to have at least a glass of wine in me before I have the courage to strut down that path. But this is a blog about connecting to our kids on a deeper level by modeling behavior in times when losing you poise and going all Xena is the more tempting solution. I am challenging you to be honest with your kids in a way you maybe haven't been before and say "You know I am feeling kinda frustrated right now and I bet you are too....lets decide together to change the way this day is going." By showing them that you feel just like they do and then modeling a healthy way to handle it you all are building your relationship and getting along better in the process! Tonight my blood pressure was tested as my three year old decided to throw his cast iron plane at my leg. The first time I assumed was an accident. The second time I realized he was trying to hit me and I gave him "the look". Then he slammed that plane into my foot and I let out quite the "OUCH". The baby cried, then my three year old cried...because he realized he had just made a very bad choice. Daddy whisked him up by one arm and sent him to his room. Then, I went to talk with him. I sat on the floor next to the sobbing mess and asked him "Did you know you were going to hurt Mommy when you threw that plane?" he said "yes". This is where the shift happens. My gut & the Texas in me wanted to say "Boy if you ever throw things at someone on purpose and hurt them I will make sure your bottom remembers that that is a mistake." But my newly focused heart, the one that understands my mess is just as sticky as my son's and we are all fingerpainting our way through life.... that me said "I bet you thought it would be funny to make mommy scream, but it wasn't funny was it? Hurting Mommy, actually breaks her heart a little bit, and I know you are not a boy who wants to hurt anyone. In this family we take care of each other. Show me how you take care of mommy." he wiped his little tears, stood up and kissed my foot where the ouchie was. Then I said "Show me how we take care of our toys". He grabbed his plane and flew it around my back and parked it on my head with a smile on his face. I said "That is so right, and when we take care of each other and we take care of our toys, that makes mommy's heart so full and happy". There is the connection! That moment, be it ever so brief, where he and I made a memory from something that was pretty sour.
Life is always going to have sour moments. When my focus is clouded and I catch myself being upset at things like; Hurricane Matthew raining out my entire birthday weekend,making my kiddos stir crazy from being stuck inside, and clogging up freeways. (so selfish) I turn to verses like Romans 15:5 "May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had". A Hurricane that wrecked homes, killed hundred in Haiti and flooded several states was not what I had planned for a birthday weekend as big as 3-0! But my family was safe and dry in a home with lights and water! This Hurricane gave us a chance to appreciate the melody of the rain as it bounced off our window panes and roof. I don't think we always have to find a silver lining. What you are struggling with may be way bigger than rainy weekends, hurricane woes, and a 3 year old with great airplane aim. Your heart might be heavy with the loss of a loved one, the break in a relationship, the stress of your financial stability. Whatever it is, GOD is bigger and you don't have to slap on a smile and fake it with Him. He doesn't expect you to make lemonade, spin straw into silk, or dance in the rain every time. Sometimes the lesson is obvious up front, other times we see it when we are a mile or so down the road, but the melody of the rain is something that resonates in our memories for ages. Do you remember a time when life really shook you up? Do you remember what it was that gave you a life line to pull yourself together again? These 5 rules, this idea of modeling strength to our kids in a way that makes us vulnerable and honest, that is creating a life line for them. Someday they will face things much bigger than whether or not to throw Dusty Crophopper at Mommy's foot and the legacy you built by trudging through the rain will be remembered. Those quiet moments when they learned that the same force of nature that left hundreds homeless can also create a beautiful melody on your rooftop. Life is full of ironic and hard situations, but with faith as your compass the navigation system will never be out of date. That is a legacy that connects not just our children to us, but Christians to each other!
