Our Storm part 1

Continuing with the last post and expanding on the "when your hands are too cut up to squeeze those lemons and make lemonade" I'd like to share a story. Nearly 6 years ago a miracle happened for us. We became parents after years of doctors telling me I would have a very hard time conceiving because of my PCOS. From the minute I found out I was pregnant I was sure it was a girl. I had wanted a baby for so long and the thought of bows and ruffle butt bloomers still makes my heart soar! Little girls are so fun! 

So this precious, miracle, baby girl arrives and for the first time in my life I experienced a love so overwhelming it just made me cry,  a lot. I was weeping for the hurts she would one day feel. My fears about being able to protect her and care for her the way she deserved. Like a bubbling brook the emotional shower kept sputtering from my eyeballs. Like any good girl would do,  I phoned a friend. But this friend is also the best mom ninja ever, she's my mommy. I told her how scared I was that I would mess up, fail this sweet innocent baby in some way, and how the need to protect her and keep her safe was just too intense to handle alone. My sweet mother laughed at me a little, and told me to stop, sleep, and pray. I have thought back at this moment several times over the past 5.75 years, I still don't know if it was Satan messing with me in the weakness of my postnatal hormone crash, or just the natural progression of oxytocin being released to cause a chemical meltdown in my brain.... but one thing is for sure my heart grew that day and I realized I could love deeper than I ever imagined and life would never be the same again.

Over the years Reagan has grown to be a very independent, creative and colorful little person. She has always been in a rush to grow up. She had 3 teeth at 3 months, she had a mouth full plus 2 year molars at her first birthday party. She could speak in full sentences shortly after that and tell elaborate stories. She would hide a screw driver under her pillow and disassemble electronic toys, down to the motherboard, and then  line up all the screws and pieces by size, during her nap times at  age 3. When we hid all the screwdrivers, she used a hair clip and took apart a bookshelf, then stacked the pieces back together in perfect balance. At bedtime I went to put a book back and the whole shelf fell apart.... there were no screws! I asked her where they were hidden and she showed me a drawer in her jewelry box filled with screws (again lined up by size) that had come from her Kidkraft kitchen, the bookshelf, and her bed! Inventive just doesn't even cover it.... and she was more than willing to show us how crafty she was with that hairclip. Over the years we moved a lot, like 4 times in 5 years. Not just homes, states. We also added her two younger brothers Dawson and Judah to our family circus and Reagan stayed a steady, loving, and nurturing big sister through it all, until our most recent move. I mentioned our "storm" in my first blog and to be more specific, the scariest part of that storm for me was the day our strong, steady girl was found gasping for air on her bedroom floor amidst a panic attack. She was sweating and grabbing at her throat, she kept shouting that the room had no air and she couldn't breathe. I picked her up in my arms and held her close and told her to listen to my breathing. I exaggerated my deep breaths to help her find a calm cadence. When she finally calmed down enough to tell me what had happened she was "upset" that when I was decorating her new room I put her paintings in a different location on her walls than where they had been before. I thought this was some sort of fluke, that she was just having a hard time adjusting. We gave her some space, filled our time with fun things to do and explore in Georgia, and continued plugging in to church in hopes that she would learn to love her new home. But, the panic attacks didn't stop. The meltdowns were debilitating and my super intelligent, smiley girl was buried beneath this sad, anxious shell. As a mama my heart was totally broken. It became obvious that we were not able to push through the sad wall at home and we needed some professional help.

The day Reagan and I went in to the pediatrician's office they asked her a lot of questions. I tried not to insert myself as much as possible and I just stood in the corner listening. Reagan couldn't sit still she was so anxious. She hopped back and forth across the colored tiles on the floor, only stepping on the green and purple ones. After a few minutes of watching her the doctor asked "why won't you step on the red, gray, or blue ones?" Reagan said "Because that would be wrong and I would die" like it was nothing. "Oh, interesting" said the doctor. She asked Reagan a few more questions and then she looked at me and said "Mom, Reagan, in my opinion, has OCD with anxiety. I want a full psych evaluation done on her and I am sending you all to a therapist".  Now, OCD on it's own is not something that scares me. My mother and my sister both have OCD, it is genetic like many other mental health issues and I honestly don't mind if we have to kiss three times, hug three times, give 3 high fives and bless each other's forehead with a cross every day before she gets out of the car. I don't mind that she has to sleep with the same pillowcase and blanket at night and she has had the same baby doll since she was one. OCD is something you can live with as long as those around you are patient, compassionate, and willing to bend a bit. But, the anxiety that has come with it is stealing my baby's joy and that I have a huge issue with. We are currently in the very messy process of getting her school to write up a formal IEP for how to work with Reagan in the classroom. I think it is silly that it even has come to this, but when you have a very rigid teacher and a child who needs a little extra understanding sometimes, and IEP provides accountability. Reagan is also in therapy once a week with a therapist who specializes in helping anxious kids. They do yoga together, draw, play with sand, and talk lots. If your child is struggling I can not emphasize enough how important it is to speak out and get help! It has been eight weeks since we started therapy and Reagan is doing so much better. We still have a long way to go, but she is learning tools now to help her manage her emotions that will carry over to much bigger emotional struggles in her teen and adult years. I also think it is extremely important that my child have a safe adult she can confide in who is not me or her dad. There is no threat of disappointing us or letting us down. She doesn't feel judged or like she is being graded when she talks to her therapist, she feels safe. That is exactly what she needs right now and if I need to be brought in on the loop her therapist and I email throughout the week. Thank you sweet Jesus for modern medicine, health insurance, and loving medical professionals who recognized my daughters need and acted. We did have a full psychological evaluation done which confirmed everything the pediatrician suspected and put Reagan in the anxiety range for medication. However, at this time we have chosen to battle her anxiety with therapy, yoga, and prayer. We will continue to re-evaluate as the days roll by, but we have been panic attack free for five weeks! God is good.

Now I am going to stop sharing about my daughter and speak to your hearts for a moment. Our lives are so messy. Part of me did not even want to share this story because that part of me that wants to protect my baby girl is still so incredibly strong! But, if there is even one little one out there struggling in a similar way I want to give that mama hope, and I want to assure you that there I a light at the end of the tunnel and it is OK if the problem is bigger than what you can handle at home! It shook my soul to watch my strong confidant daughter crumble the way that she did. It took me back to that night in the bathroom crying on the phone with my mother, telling her I never wanted my baby to hurt and I didn't know how to protect her from life. 24 year old me didn't know that the reason it felt so impossible is because it is! I can not keep her from hurt because we live in a broken, imperfect world."  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9. It is in our brokenness that God's light comes through the cracks and sustains us. God is working in Reagan and she is going to be fine, but it is not because of what I have done, it is because I was wise enough as her Mama to know we needed help from outside and ABOVE!  If you are feeling like you, or someone you love needs a little help from outside or above -reach out. If you have struggled with OCD or Anxiety share what worked for you below. I would love to hear some of your helpful hints. I think the hardest part about being a Mom sometimes is realizing you can't do it all on your own. You want to be super mom, you want the applause and the standing ovation for rocking the pinterest cupcakes, making sure everyone has their personalized lunches in their cute little backpacks. You stuff in the hand written notes, or cut the crusts off their favorite sandwich because you are a mom and we love all those little details that make our kids feel loved. I hope if nothing else, that after reading this blog you understand that if a time comes when you all do need to seek out mental health professionals it makes you SUPER mom for noticing and acting on your gut.

Building my strategy for praying for my children began with praying over my bible for a few days and choosing a scripture passage for each of my children. I chose one that fits where I see their strengths and struggles now and in the future. I printed off the scriptures for each child and hung them on their bedroom doors. Every night when I put them to bed, and every morning when I wake them I pray their verses over them. Reagan's is Philippians 4:6&7 " Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." The first verse is very well known in most Christian circles and I want her to remember that when she is anxious that is when she should pray the most. But it is actually the second verse that I think has the most power. I claim that in Jesus name, Reagan will receive that peace from God that transcends understanding, anxiety, OCD, moving every 12-18 months, rigid teachers, mean kids.... EVERYTHING. Imagine if that verse stays posted on her door until we move again, that is another 600 times those words will be spoken into her life. It is deeper than just a prayer, it is modeling a life that seeks Christ. This is the battle her dad and I will be fighting for her until she is old enough to fight it herself. we are grateful that modern medicine gives us so many options, yet we know God put this very struggle in Reagans life for a reason and it keeps all 3 of us dependent on HIM to give us that deep peace that only the Holy Spirit can give.

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Our Storm part 1

The 5 W's

If you grew up in the last century you may recognize the "5 W's" from second grade English class. When writing a paper teachers often prompt children with the 5 W's to elicit details from them to form well rounded paragraphs. Who- is your subject, What- are they doing, Where- are they doing it, When & Why? So, lets get acquainted as I share my 5 W's with you and try to elicit a little "love" from you in return.

First off, Who am I? I am a hot mess! Not your average hot mess though, I am particular breed of hot mess that was conceived in the southwest deserts of Texas, was raised by my loving parents; a business man and an artist, I am the oldest of three, I never finished college, I love deeply, I have always had a heart for Jesus, and I found my tenacious love for writing and talking at a very young age. If I were filling out a job application and you asked "what makes you qualified for this position?" I would reply "I am simply a nobody, trying to tell everybody, about somebody, who can save anybody". I can't take full credit for that last bit because I stole it from a sermon I heard in Killeen, Texas about a decade ago, but it has been my life goal for years to heal the hurt of those around me by sharing Jesus' love. I was not kidding about the hot mess part by the way, the rest of my application would say: Has an extensive vocabulary and awesome thumb-to-phone typing skills, but cusses sometimes. Exhibits multiple personalities from 6 years of back to back pregnancies and nursing induced sleep deprivation.  Indulges in wine and a secret stash of chocolate to self medicate stress.
Then the following yes or no questions would be marked-

Have you ever lived in a foreign country (yes)

Have you ever been arrested (no, but I enjoy playing Judy Hopps with my kids)

Have you been divorced (yes)

Are you currently married (yes, wisdom comes with age)

Do you use illegal drugs (no, but if coffee was a drug I would take it intravenously)

Are you a GMO free, Organic, Glutten free household (no, although we try) {If you are share some recipes!}

Have you ever suffered from depression or anxiety? ( Yes, and sometimes I still do, but I believe God is the ultimate physician and I haven't needed medication in years)

Do you have any other medical conditions we should be aware of? (yes, I suffer from Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome & I have been pre-ecclampsic with all 3 of my sweet babies)

See- I told you- mess! But here is the good news, mess and all I know the deepest truth anyone can hold in their hearts; I was made in the image of God! Yup, this messy masterpiece who does NOT have it all together, who survived a very broken marriage to a very broken man, who figured out how to love ad trust again, who built a new life full of tiny baby feet {and forget those wives tales about "pitter pattering" let me assure you it is a choreographed collective march} that run around my not so picked up house. Me, the girl who is two sizes too big for her favorite jeans and can not remember what life was like before a saggy stretched out belly hidden under control top leggings....yup God made this in HIS image.

What?
About now you're probably thinking, hold the keyboard lady, step back from that third cup of coffee and stop sharing about your belly sag.... what the heck is the purpose of sharing all this crazy with the world on your blog? Ha! You are totally right, lets get to the point. God recently called me to step back from my passions and spend a season "bench warming". I let go of a fair trade jewelry business and ministry I had been very passionate about for 3 years. I stepped back from leading bible studies both at church and in our home. I wasn't quite sure why God was asking me to step back, but I was very sure He needed me to hand over the reigns and prepare for a "storm".

Well boy did it storm! During this "bench" period our 3 year old was diagnosed with ADHD & sensory issues. We moved across the country. Our 5 year old began having panic attacks and was  soon after diagnosed with OCD & Anxiety. Our kids are both now seeing therapists of all kinds. Our youngest had an allergic reaction to his vaccines and now he has to see an allergist and no matter how hard I try to stay ahead I feel like my days are spent as a bus driver shuffling kids from one thing to the next. That brings us to my IDENTITY CRISIS. That woman who knew that one truth so deeply, forgot it! Somewhere between the behavioral psychologist re-inventing our system for discipline at home and my third email to my daughters teacher explaining that to a child with OCD you can not just "take" her necklace off because you think it is a "distraction" that is like stealing a part of her and she will spend the rest of the day feeling less than a whole person because it is "missing",  I lost that "I am made in HIS image" mantra and became "I have to just survive today as best I can".  Because I lost my focus, I became a stressed out, hardy functioning, not very happy person. Worry replaced joy and my drive to "fix" my children took over when I should have been looking to the Ultimate Physician, their creator for help... but instead I was trying to be that super-mom with her cape and do it all by myself.

So, What did I learn? I believe with my whole heart God allowed this season in my life for a few reasons. 1. We have now addressed things in my children at an age where they are still malleable enough that we will avoid much bigger issues in the future because they are getting help now. 2. I was reminded that my identity is not my Facebook profile photo, how many activities I volunteer for, or the people I hang out with. It is also not determined by the number of appointments I have to wait through, the hours spent in my awesome mini-van, or the number of days I wore comfy mom clothes this week over more fashionable choices. What we focus on becomes a part of who we are. In Made to Crave Lysa Terkeurst talks about this in much greater detail, but FOCUS is everything.

Do you know that Archers breathe in syncopation with their shooting? They release their arrows between breathes when their focus is sharp and their minds are quiet. That is when they are most effective with their aim. Do you know that the bible compares raising children to aiming with arrows?

Psalm 127:4-5 (MSG) "Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift?

    the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?

Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows

    are the children of a vigorous youth.

Oh, how blessed are you parents,

    with your quivers full of children!

Your enemies don’t stand a chance against you;

    you’ll sweep them right off your doorstep."

What did I do to correct my aim? How did I refocus? God called me to start spending time with Him more regularly and really convicted me for spending so much time in doctors offices and not enough time lifting my children up in prayer. Seeking worldly solutions is great since obviously God gave us modern medicine. But seeking spiritual solutions is also just as important. God is our Protector, Our Keeper, and Our greatest Confidant. So I dusted off my copy of Fervent by Priscilla Shirer and I committed to coming up with a specific prayer strategy for each of my children. We would battle ADHD with therapy AND with Jesus. I would stop worrying about my daughters OCD & Anxiety and lay her heart at the feet of her maker! Soon it was obvious that this focus change was working because I became a better version of myself. I was not quick to anger or stress anymore, God inspired me to handle challenging situations with creativity and love. Sometimes communing with God in his way is extra challenging because it forces us to listen to HIM and not ourselves. I can be selfish Selfish me wants to go potty without an audience, shopping with a Starbucks in my hand instead of a child, and to sleep in when I can. "Tuned-in" me accepts that my children love me so much that even on the potty in my ugliest state I am still desirable company to them. Starbucks has a drive through in most places and my baby wont be a baby much longer. sleeping in occasionally is necessary, but day to day life runs smoother when I "show up" to my job prepared. For us that means I wake about 4:30 nurse the baby, squeeze in 10 more minutes after he is in his crib again to collect my strength for the day. At 5am I am up and in the shower, because if I am not showered, dressed and decorated by 6am when everyone else rises we have chaos. The I pour myself coffee, and sit down with Jesus and a journal to enjoy some quiet moments before breakfast. If they wake up in this period they join me and eat cereal while I journal, this used to frustrate me too but this is evidence of Gods work on my heart, I no longer feel robbed of my time with Jesus if its shared with the kids over breakfast. Instead I see journaling and praying in front of them as ways to model what a healthy relationship with our Lord looks like. If they are around my prayers are not flowery or ellagant, my 5 yr old will tell you they sound a lot like this, "Jesus, we need you today...because our lives are messy and complicated and You help them make perfect sense. Help us find You today in all we say or do!." It is that simple fiends, and it works! Our 5 year old has added a big girl kind of bible and a journal to her Birthday Wishlist! 

What do I plan to do with all this crazy? In my "bench warming" I discovered that there are HUNDREDS of Mom's out there just like me. Well, not exactly like me because I am that very special breed of quirky, but Mom's who are tired and struggling to stay above water. Mom's who are being stretched and bent, Mom's who are fighting for their children's needs and have put everyone else's appointments and extra curricular's above their own sanity. Mom's who have lost their focus and so they are suffering the same identity crisis I was. If this is you (excuse me while I slip into my Texas twang) Girl, I love you! Seriously, I get you, I understand the struggle bus you are riding, in fact I saved you a seat next to mine. I want to reach through the screen and high five you for your hard work, sacrifice, and selflessness. But, I also feel like God is calling me to reach into your life and remind you that you are not just the bus driver. You are not wholly consumed with the lives of your Children, even though it feels like it. This is a season and God is at the beginning, middle, and end of our current struggle loving us through the mess. We are HIS messy masterpieces. When we remember that, not just about ourselves.... but about our children, we are better examples to them. 

Where? Here is the fun part! RIGHT HERE. This is the beginning of what I hope will be a fruitful, fun and entertaining journey for everyone who takes time out of their day to read my blog. Be it the wee hours of the morning, or that late at night few moments of peace while the babes are in bed, my hope is that these words I share breathe life and hope into your mess and give you the joy of God's truth, that you are His masterpiece and He is not done with us yet. My mother, the artist, first placed  a paintbrush in my hands when I was 12 months old. She framed that mess and called it "Art". To anyone else looking at it, it was a set of swirls of purple and pink that come together is a wisp of magenta across the center of a white canvas. But to my mother, who loves me so deeply, that was the first thing I ever "made" on my own! You can't put a price on that "Art" or that memory for her. I like to think that God puts the same thought towards our messy masterpieces. Sure we are not all Picasso's or Rembrandt's but we are His creation and we made it ourselves.  

When? I think the real answer to this is found in your heart not mine. When you are searching God answers. When we are ready to see it, we do. When we listen with open ears we hear. I am going to be open here, honest here, and I will always push this blogs content back to my Glorious Savior. 

Lastly the Why? Because He told me to. Because I believe with my whole heart that this part of my life wasn't a coincidence. I know God to be many things and "coincidental" is not one of them. He is the Chief Composer of the most beautiful symphony we have ever heard. Each of us plays a part and I am simply tuning my instrument hoping to strike a chord with some of you. "But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth” (Exodus 9:16).

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The 5 W's